Chewy Salted Pumpkin Toffee Cookies

Scenario: Sharon from Sales pops her head into your cubicle and says, “Hey, there are some pumpkin cookies in the break room if you want some!” Your eyes, which were glazed over only moments ago from the monotony of your job, now have a twinkle in them. Pumpkin cookies? Could it be? Has someone finally done it?

You walk to the break room as quickly as you can without arousing the suspicion of the morons around you, something just short of a jog. As you push open the break room door, you see them. There, on a ruffly-edged paper plate in the center of the cold laminate table with one leg shorter than all the rest. The cookies look kind of mounded, but that doesn’t mean anything, you think. You pick one up and it feels… light. But you still hold on to that last glimmer of hope until your teeth sink in.

You throw the so-called “cookie” across the room, nearly smacking Jerry from Accounting in the head, and you secretly wish that it had nailed him, even as you meekly say, “I’m so sorry, Jerry.” You shuffle back to your desk, where the spreadsheet awaits you. You mutter under your breath, “That’s not a cookie, it’s a f***ing muffin top.”

End Scenario.

Why is it so hard to find a pumpkin cookie recipe that isn’t cakey? For these, I borrowed a trick from the vegans, who use fruit purees in place of eggs all the time! Bye bye, eggs, we don’t need ya here! And without the eggs in there making things all watery and puffy, you can finally have the pumpkin cookie of your dreams.

I like using a wide variety of pumpkin pie spices, so I included everything but nutmeg and instead used mace, its much-neglected sister from the same mister. (But you can use nutmeg if you don’t have mace around the house.)

Scenario: You come home from work and, determined to destroy Sharon from Sales, find this pumpkin cookie recipe. “Not cakey,” it claims. You gather your ingredients, mix them up, and wait as your kitchen is invaded with the smell of fall.

The next day, the break room fills with your idiot coworkers, who gather around your plate of cookies. Jerry from Accounting is giggling like a schoolgirl as he shoves cookie after cookie into his mouth. Your boss, Mike, tells you you’ll be getting a hefty raise if you just pass this recipe along to his wife, har har! And he means it.

The rooms goes quiet as the breakroom door swings open. The crowd parts and you turn to see President Obama, flanked by secret servicemen, making his way up to the plate of cookies. He takes a bite and silently nods his head. He fist bumps you and pins the Presidential Medal of Freedom onto your blazer before shooting a dirty look at Sharon from Sales, who is weeping in the corner. Your coworkers lift you up on their shoulders, shouting, “All Hail the Queen of Fall!” It is then you know that you have found the perfect non-cakey pumpkin cookie recipe.

End Scenario.